Today I would like to share how this journey began for me. It is full of wonderful surprises, some dark spots, and some undeniable divine signs. To get where I started, we will need to go back roughly two years.
I was doing regular working mom things, I had just started with my first MLM company, and I went on social media pushing my products, trying to hustle some extra money. I was posting everywhere that would allow me to. I happened to meet this lady on a local buy and sell group. She loved what I had to offer. We spent most of the evening talking about the products and how she could use it. Fast forward about a month, we chatted off and on, developing a relationship. I thought it was just about these bags, but it became so much more. She began to tell me what she did for a living, horse breeding. That was something I couldn’t resonate with, as I was terrified of horses. She then introduced me to something called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). By this time, we were friends on Facebook, so she could clearly see how lost I was and wanted to bring this to my table, so I checked out her website and joined her business page to learn more.
The things she was seeing in me was a furious woman that didn’t know her worth, and she was right. I was completely and totally unhappy in every aspect of my life. I hated everything! I just wanted to pack up my life and run away, but I couldn’t because I had a 2-year-old. I had feelings of being trapped, and I felt lost. I was angry. I didn’t know who I was anymore. There was no time to be Anna because I already had too many hats; Mom, wife, daughter, pet groomer, MLM slinger, dog mom, housekeeper, etc. etc., all the hats typical moms have to wear. I began to feel resentful. Everything sucked. I could not find joy in anything, not even my child.
I felt alone. I felt that nobody cared about me or my well being. Every single thing landed on my shoulders. I decided to seek therapy. I needed to find what happiness looked like for me. After talking to some friends, I got a great recommendation for a therapist. I was so excited to be doing something for me finally, and just me alone. However, I had to add another shift each week to be able to afford my therapist bi-weekly. I was slowly burning myself out to afford to talk to someone twice a month. It wasn’t worth it. I was missing too much time with my child that I began to feel guilty for taking the time for myself, but I knew working an extra day a week wasn’t making me happy.
I decided to retreat. I could not handle the stress or the therapy bill. Not only that but every time I left that office, I felt worse! One hour every two weeks was just not enough. Once again, I put myself and my needs on the back burner. I spent hundreds of dollars and wasn’t given one tool on how to help myself between sessions. I felt so defeated and that this was just my life. Just accept the shit hole that it was and go through the motions each day to get through.
After a conversation with a dear friend, I realized how unhealthy this outlook was… So I made a doctor’s appointment. I knew I couldn’t afford therapy. It wasn’t worth missing another 4 days a month with my continually changing kiddo. It just didn’t work. After talking to my doctor, he convinced me that I needed some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds. For the first time in 32 years, I was on medication. I felt a need for medication because I was so depressed. I honestly did not care if I lived or died. I actually thought my child would be better off without such a screwed up mom.
It hit me like a bus going 100 mph. I couldn’t believe this is where my life was going. Something inside me told me to reach out to that EFT practitioner I had met the previous summer. I needed some tools to help myself. I was searching for something. I didn’t know what that was, but I felt she had the answer. When we first met, I had a weird body reaction to her. She really irritated me. In all honesty, I was resistant to reaching out for a while because I didn’t want to get that weird feeling. Nobody has ever made me feel that way, so it got me thinking. I decided to land myself back on her business page and see what this EFT was really about.
I watched a few videos and thought it was absolutely insane. It was strange, but I gave it a half-assed attempt. It looked really weird, and I didn’t want anyone to see me doing it. I didn’t want anyone to know I was doing it. It was almost as if I was doing something wrong. I just wanted to hide. Then I saw on her page that she was offering a free 30 min consult for anyone that wanted to learn more or to see if we would be able to work together. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I booked a call with her, but at this time in my life, I was your typical negative Nancy. Everything was everyone else’s fault, and I was hurting, angry, and shameful. She said some things that made my body react with twinges of pain or burning sensations. I was pretty freaked out about that, so I didn’t really follow up on hiring her… yet.
Winter 2017/18 was incredibly rough. I had no idea how to forge on. I was completely exhausted. I was getting sick all the time. Everything made me cry. I seriously could not picture my future. I felt so lost and totally alone. I had no idea how to keep going. I just wanted it to be over already. It was a very dark time in my life. Just before spring, I decided I had enough. I realized nobody was going to care about me more than me. I realized it wasn’t up to anyone but me to pick myself back up. Something had to give, and I knew where to start.
Amazingly, when I was beginning to have these feelings, my coach was doing free training in a new group she created just for women. I felt like I had a safe space to try something out of the box. I worked hard at every task given, did my homework, and began to feel an amazing shift. I began seeing signs everywhere! It’s hard to explain to people that have never experienced it without sounding a little coo coo, but as soon I started to show myself a little love, the universe (god, self, spirit etc.), started cheering me on.
I began to see repetitive numbers, such as 11:11 and 1:11, everywhere! Clocks, radios, length of a song, where I paused a show or video, labels. These repetitive numbers have strong meanings, very spiritual. It’s a kind of communication if you can accept it as so. Also, seeing the same animal over and over can have significance as well, or even if they suddenly appear! All spring, summer, and even into mid-fall, I would always see at least one monarch butterfly by a certain tree after work. I would see mourning doves drop into my back yard and look at me through the patio door. I used to think I was being stalked by wasps because, honestly, it felt like they were out to get me. I’m not kidding. They would always fly up in my face, buzz around me, multiple times a day spring-fall!
I’ve come to discover that a wasp is actually my spirit animal, which does suck; I’m not a fan. I usually look like a raging lunatic when one comes around. Seriously I will take off my shoe no matter where I am to swing at it if I have to go mono a mono. However, what they stand for is pretty amazing. Wasps remind us that simply thinking about your dreams will not make them a reality as quickly as going out and doing it; Make a plan, work at it, and have the determination not to allow anything to stand in your way. Wasps also let you know that resistance to change is by definition, self-sabotage. MY JAW DROPPED. I could not believe my eyes when I read that about the wasp spirit animal. It resonated on such a high level with me, and my body was literally buzzing!
Even though I was getting confirmation everywhere that I was on the right path and doing the right things, I was having trouble moving further. I was starting to feel stuck again, and it really upset me. I didn’t want to fall off the wagon. I wanted to keep going, I was doing the work, and had some amazing payoffs, but I also became stronger. My soul was ready to start digging deeper, but doing that alone seemed too scary.
You see, during all the amazing confirmations, I was also having realizations as I was doing the work. I was finding different layers to my anger, to my resentment, to my shame. It became tough to manage on my own. I made a plan to hire my life coach! I committed to biweekly sessions, and she also gave me tools for homework specific to my issues. I began to have amazing breakthroughs. She provided me with space to be honest about my feelings, no matter how difficult or ugly they were. She guided me and helped me see where to find the lessons, find what’s trying to come out of me to be healed. She opened me up in a way that allowed me to accept new things in my life to help support me, such as EFT, essential oils, reiki, kundalini yoga, reading self-help books, watching motivational videos, etc. These are things that I frankly never would have tried without opening up to EFT first, diving in with doing the work, and really just committing to me. These are what my soul was yearning for, but I didn’t know how to listen until I did. The. work!
I can look back at those incredibly dark days now with love. I see the lessons in every single moment of doubt, hardship, and pain. I threw away the old story of “everyone else is to blame,” and I turned it into “how can I grow from this.” I almost look forward to a dark day or a moment of anger or self-doubt thought because then I have something to look for and heal.
This massive shift happened for me after just a few months of working with my coach, committing to myself and my well being. I started fixing my relationship with myself, and things just began to start falling into place. This is what they call expansion. I was at the top. Everything felt amazing, shiny and new! It was a true, natural high. However, with expansion comes contractions. My first super-high high came with a crashing contraction. I believe to this day that every single moment had prepared me for this excruciating contraction (a story for another day)
The start of my journey was very rocky and bumpy. It didn’t look anything like I had imagined. I was able to see the value in true self-care, self-love and rise above some pretty tough challenges. No matter how hard I work, I realize that there is no quick fix and that this is a journey that I have committed the rest of my life to. I accept that being on this path means that my work is never done. It was never meant to be done. I will take those along with me that wish to come, and I have a place for those not ready.
Start loving yourself the way your soul needs you to. You only get this one life, this one moment, make everything count. Get rid of the things that don’t positively serve you or your time. The universe is waiting to cheer you on. Open your eyes to the signs that have been all around you all along.
If you are ready to leap, and you resonate with my journey, give it a try and book a distance crystal reiki session with me today, let get you on the path to the best life and the best version of yourself.
Until next time,
Relevate the day -Anna xo